Ten days into being a mom I am hardly in the position to give anyone advice but here are a few things I have learned so far.
1) Best time ever. Despite the sleep deprivation, achy back, and swollen nipples this is by far the happiest time of our lives. And I am not just saying that because I think I need to. Being a mom has truly exceeded every expectation I could ever have imagined. I love my little girl and I love Bret more each day just for being her father.
2) Chill out. Most new moms are so worried about doing everything right and playing everything by the book. But what is more important is finding out what is right for you and your spouse. If you and your husband and baby are happy then who cares what the book says! I believe that creating an environment that is calm and safe will do more for our baby than worrying about what all the research points to.
3) Breastfeeding is hard work. I don't care what anyone says: nursing is not intuitive. It's painful. It's hard. It's exhausting. And it hurts — a lot! Alyson and I are still working on getting the whole breastfeeding thing down and in the meantime I have been pumping at least six times a day so she can take my milk through a bottle. At first it was awful watching her suck down a bottle of breastmilk when she wouldn't latch on directly to me. But now, I have realized it may actually be a blessing in disguise. The fact that she is taking to the bottle (and sometimes the breast) allows Bret and I to split up our feedings and enlist the help of other people in her mealtime. And given the fact that I have Lupus and desperately need to rest, this system really seems to be working for us. Last night I was able to get a six hour stretch of sleep!
4) Put Visitors to Work. Our apartment is literally like Grand Central Station. Alyson has had so many wonderful visitors come in to see her and we are so blessed to have so many friends and family stopping by. But there is nothing worse than visitors who stay for three plus hours and just play with the baby while Mom uses the free time to clean up the dishes in the sink, wipe down the bathroom or run to the store for supplies. The best visitors are the ones who let YOU play with the baby while they do the rest of the work. Believe me, play time is scarce. Alyson needs to feed every three hours. That means by the time we actually finish our feeding, clean up the supplies, change her (which usually needs to happen twice), get her dressed and I finish pumping it is almost time for the next feeding. Make your visitors sing for their supper! Ask for help or at the very least have them bring food over.
5) Take Time to Enjoy Her. Since Bret and I have been splitting up feedings we haven't been going to bed at the same time anymore. We started realizing how much we missed each other and instituted "bear time." Every night before I go to sleep (Bret takes the late night shift, I take the early morning shift) all three of us spend at least 30 minutes in bed together just cooing at her and enjoying her. We leave the dishes in the sink. We forget what the lactation consultant said about keeping my milk supply steady. We just read a story to her and talk about how beautiful she is and how lucky we both are. It's my favorite time of the day.
I am a new mother and have been browsing blogs of other new mothers to see if they have any advice. I can say you are the first person I have ever seen who is not grateful to have family and friends want to come and actually meet and get to know your daughter!! so you are saying you chose to have a baby, knew the responsibilities of doing so and now want people to come over and take on those responsibilities so you can play?? I've never heard of something so insulting. As a new mother myself, I cherish every person who comes to visit and want nothing more than for them to spend some time with my new son. I hope you realize people are taking the time out of THEIR busy day to come meet and bond with your child. These people have their own busy schedules and responsibilities. They are not coming for selfish reasons, but instead are coming to respect you, as new parents. Saying they should fullfill ur responsibilities only dimishes the act of respect they are giving to you by coming to meet your child. People who are kind enough to want to share in the joy of my sons birth should by no means find it necessary to come and clean my house and run my errands! Those are the duties of a parent. Friends of mine have several children while also tending to a newborn, how will u handle that? also pass off ur parenting duties? I hope you soon realize the world does not revolve around you and what you want to do. Your friends are not your maids and babysitters but instead those who want to experience the joy of your child. I will not be visiting your site again but just wanted to give you some insight before your friends and family realize they are being taken advantage of and only asked to visit so you can get a free cleaning service. You can lose a lot of friends that way. Good luck to you and your husband, I feel you might need it.
ReplyDeleteI disagree! The friends of Bret and Carolyn have had plenty of time to play with the baby during our friends, but we also want to help two exhausted first-time parents, and that's also part of the reason we come over! Friendship is about give and take. Bret and Carolyn have given to me, and to all of their friends, enormously over the years, and I have had plenty of time to play with their daughter since she has arrived. But this is also my time to give back and take some of the burden off of them as they adjust in their new roles and in their new life with Alyson.
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